I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
