I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
COCAINE IS GR8
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
