He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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