I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
