Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
