I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
