dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
