I just threw up on my dentist
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
