I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
