I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
