Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
