My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
