I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hippo gnu deer
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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