I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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