I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I checked into jail on foursquare
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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