i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
