I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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