Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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