pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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