I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
