There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
