I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize