i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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