I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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