I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
