im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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