College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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