sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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