So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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