I am puke
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
