Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
