I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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