Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
