Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
