Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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