I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
