Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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