Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
