oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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