i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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