i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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