the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
