It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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