I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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