apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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