I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
