pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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