My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
