I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
