Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
