It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
